So ... Here goes my first blog and if I'm totally honest I'm not sure whats about to come out but, if the world we are currently living in has taught me anything is don't wait for the rain to pass, because sometimes it looks like its never going to stop.
A little bit about me -
My name is Hannah Mae and I'm 21 years old and currently living in Nottinghamshire in the East Midlands, since moving back home at the beginning of March 2020 to finish my 3 years of training in my garage and Graduating from Performers College in my living room (it still doesn't sound real). I never would have thought that a year on I am still dancing in my garage, but here we are...
Looking back to when I left college I can't believe that in 5 short weeks this would have all blown over and I would get to finish college the way that I had always dreamed. When I finished college and finally shut down zoom for the last time I couldn't have been happier, which makes me sad to say. I was scared and felt lost because the way the world made me finish my training made me feel a way about dance that I had never felt before and I was scared that the little 3 year old that was always prancing around had vanished and I felt that my passion had disappeared.I woke up each morning with the dread of logging on to the laptop and having to face another day alone in my garage. At the time I felt alone and thought I was the only one, only to look back now and realise that it was okay to be unsure of myself. I feel that so much of college was made up of me pressuring myself that I wasn't good enough and that in turn made the fire inside me fizzle out, and I became frightened because I didn't know where I wanted my life to head and the one and only passion I have always had, I thought was fading.
However, looking back now I realise it wasn't that I had fallen out of love with dance, it was that the way I have grown up knowing dance to be, packed in a room full of enthusiasm and joy had been ripped away and replaced with the sad reality of spending my days staring a screen and not being able to thrive of the energy that people can create. I am so thankful for allowing myself to step back from it all and let myself regain the passion that I have for this amazing form of art that so many people share the love for.
Anyway I feel I have rambled enough now, but sometimes it good to let it all out! Another thing I am no longer afraid of.
I always knew that after college at some point in the future I wanted to further my training and knowledge, so here I am about to start a new chapter that seems a little bit scary at the moment and I may not know exactly where this may lead me but that's okay 'The best is yet to come'
Hannah Mae x
Great first blog Hannah! Welcome to the course and this new crazy journey! I am Emily from Mod 2 and I live 35 mins from Nottingham :)
ReplyDeleteI am sorry how your final few months of college went! You must feel so robbed in a way and I can't imagine how hard it was for you all! I had a contract taken from me too we started our rehearsals and only got to do one week of shows before we were sent home, so I kinder know the feeling! This is an exciting time for you to do this course and I couldn't think of a more perfect time than now! I look forward to reading your blogs!
Hi Emily! Its so nice to be able to connect with people over the situation and I'm so sorry to hear about the contract, its so gutting to know how much has been ruined but that we aren't alone! Thank you for taking the time to read my post and I look forward to connecting with you and your blogs too!
DeleteHi Hannah,
ReplyDeleteAs a former Performers College student I know how hard it is coming away from the 'bubble'. It is packed full of students sharing the same journey and passion and to have that taken away from you so early must have been the hardest thing!!! I'm glad you took time for yourself to find your feet again and realise that you do really love this career.
I am also starting module 1 this term, feeling very overwhelmed but excited for a new chapter of my life. It must have been so hard being this honest about your feelings but as this course is all about reflection what a great place to start.
Looking forward to sharing this journey with you.
Love Abi x
Hi Abigail!
Delete100% couldn't have felt more exposed and lost when the 'bubble' was gone and earlier than expected too! So much of college was about the 'real world' only to realise when I left I had never really experienced it! Its so warming to hear and know that lots of people are feeling the same about starting and I was so apprehensive about writing a blog, I found myself over thinking what it needed to be but i just let myself write and found it relaxing and glad I have let my self reflect on my experience and not be scared that it might not sound like the most perfect time, but I truly believe we learn so much from our struggles! Thank you for connecting with me I look forward to be able to do it more!
H x
Hi Hannah,
ReplyDeleteFirstly, congratulations on graduating! I do really feel for all the Grads who couldn't spend the last few months in the studio itself, but KUDOS to you for getting those classes in in your garage and completing your course.
I am starting Module 1 this term too, it feels nice to be a part of a new community and to have a completely new focus and goal doesn't it?
Ellie x
Hi Ellie,
DeleteThank you so much! such a strange time but a very good experience to look back on and in hindsight there is a lot it has taught me, I just couldn't see it at the time!
So nice to start forming this little community I am loving it already and completely agree ready to have a new challenge to put my mind to!
Look forward to catching up soon!
H x
Hi Hannah, what a lovely honest post, and I do hope it has given you a bit of closure from actually admitting how you felt. When I started writing some blogs in my first module it did exactly that, and I don’t think I realised that was what I needed to finally fully understand how I had been feeling for so long. Almost like therapy! It was weird as id been harbouring feelings for a long time and then I go and mumble on to a computer screen and I instantly feel better. I breathed a sigh of relief finally to let it go.
ReplyDeleteCongrats for finishing your College education, a lot of people give up when the going gets tough, and nowadays dance colleges are tough- Mentally/physically and emotionally! I also feel sad for those grads and even those still struggling through with zoom lessons. Its just not the same hey. Im teaching classes on line and its so hard, so I do feel for you.Please don’t worry and soon these days will be over and you will be able to get back to what you love. Those jobs will come back and you will find that passion again. But for now just try and enjoy your downtime and throw whatever you can into what you may do when you come out of this!
Module 1 is a great starting point, im not going to say its straight forward as there was a lot of times throughout it that me and a few other girls didn’t have a clue what we were doing, but we got there in the end.
Take care of yourself and reach out if you need anything. Please don’t feel alone again x
Hi Clare!
DeleteI couldn't agree more I the thought of blogging scared me and I had no idea what ti write at the start but like you say it became easy to just type and let it all out! Its nice to let out the bad so that I actually can see all the amazing times I had too!
Having time to breathe was 100% what I needed because i have found my passion again and its led me here! Its nice to hear people admit the struggle but that together you helped each other through! Im looking forward to getting to know people better and having a community to come to when I feel stuck!
Thank you so much for you lovely comment
H x
Hey Hannah,
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel as I graduated Stella Mann College through lockdown. In the weeks before lockdown we were preparing for shows, external performances and assessments and it all just suddenly came to a halt. It definitely isn’t what I envisioned when I began my training that we would be taking our final classes on Instagram lives and zooms - still doesn’t feel real. But you have to take the next step and continue to grow. I’m glad that there is another recent grad in your module one community, I guess the experiences we have will make us stronger for the future!
Sophie xx
Hi Sophie!
DeleteIts so nice to be able to speak about it now and be super proud that we got to the end! Couldn't agree more I think because it wasn't what I had thought or was expecting the end of my 3 years to be I could't get my head around it!
Glad to know you are a recent grad too, that was another fear ! Looking forward to catching up with you along the way!
Hx
Hi Hannah Mae,
ReplyDeleteIt's so difficult to stay motivated when you're used to being part of an ensemble but glad you realised you haven't lost your love for dance itself. I agree, this course is a little daunting at the moment, but looking forward to working together and reflecting on the world we've chosen to go into.
Sally
100% trying to create an enjoyable atmosphere on your own can feel draining! I agree, i really look forward to being able to learn from each other and it feels very good to know we are pretty much feel the same!
DeleteH x
Hi Hannah,
ReplyDeleteGreat first blog! This past year has definitely been a strange one and I think many people have been questioning what is happening with the arts. I love how you have pointed out how you have known dance in a certain way- with the studios and full of students etc- and how this new form of dance is completely different because what you are used to has had to change. Module 1 is a great way to reflect on yourself and your practice.
Thank you!
Alys xx
Thank you Alys, yes it certainly was a bit change that no one was expecting and I think that reflecting now it is definitely that I didn't enjoy the way i was having to dance and not actually dancing! I look forward to reflecting some more throughout the Module although I still feel a little nervous about it!
DeleteH x
Hi Hannah! Massive congrats on graduating! My heart goes out to anyone that's had to train or graduate in these scary and uncertain times, graduating without all of this going on was hard enough! I was looking to the start of the course as a way to kickstart my love for the industry again too, and I keep telling myself that things have to start to resemble normality again soon... right? I have so much respect for your ability to keep going (despite the garage being less than ideal) because most days I struggle to find the motivation to do anything! Keep going! x
ReplyDeleteHi Shannon, Thank you and I hope amidst all stress this course is able to help you find your feet in your passion again! I look forward to connecting with you throughout the course.
DeleteH x
Hi Hannah,
ReplyDeleteI know this post was a little while ago but I've been searching through people's blogs as I'm still feeling a little lost on the course to be honest! I think we are in very similar situations, I graduated from NBS last year as well and totally agree with everything you have said. Learning and graduating on zoom was not a nice experience at all and totally took the joy out of everything as it lacked the communal feel we are used to. I also feel that because we were all sent home and never went back that people in our situation lack closure; we didn't say goodbye to teachers or friends and I really struggle with that as it doesn't feel like I left properly ! I'm really hoping that this course combined with the success of vaccines will mean that we can have some light at the end of the tunnel and feel some kid of normal soon ! (Hopefully !!)
x